Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Betty ford says i'm here all night
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
