Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
