Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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