You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
