I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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