I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
pray to the hookup gods
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
