I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
