it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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