if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
