The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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