so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
