White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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