I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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