Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
