those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
