Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
