I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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