UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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