I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
