oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
