can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
