I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
