They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
