hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
They are going to name an STD after you.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
