She's JV to your varsity
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
