well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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