I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
