I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
