nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
