My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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