It was confusing and full of hummus
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
