so that wasnt chicken after all
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
