Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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