i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
