As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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