Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
