Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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