i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
