hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
