Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
