You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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