all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
