i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
