I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
