My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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