Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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