my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
