What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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