Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
