Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
