RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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