We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
