just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
