Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
