Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
